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It’s very difficult to write about Iron Man without it turning into an aimless rant. There’s the age-old argument that video game movie tie-ins are consistently rubbish. On top of that is the annoyance of Iron Man subsequently dominating the charts, when in contrast games like Sins of a Solar Empire struggle to even get released in the UK. Iron Man is generic, tiresome, frustrating, buggy and simply pants (to coin a non-journalistic term). It looks as bad as the skid marks on pants, smells like dirty pants and plays like damp pants. The only thing redeeming it from a rock bottom score is the inclusion of authentic voiceovers. We’re lost to even pose a rhetorical question as we already know the answer. Iron man isn’t a blockbuster hit, not even a B-Movie straight to DVD. It’s one of those films stuck on a 50 best western compilations which no-one cares about. The only important question is why is it so bad?

With the harsh, scorn-ridden words out of the way, we can return to our intellectual, well constructed opinion.  Let’s start with the visuals. When we were treated to some new screenshots back in April, we were suitably impressed. In practice, there’s nothing further from the truth. Surface textures are blurry, vegetation laughable; enemies are generic lifeless clones, blocky vehicles and repetitive buildings that are simple skinned geometry. There’s no variation when on the ground or flying through the air. It looks like an old game and has all the problems associated with such a claim. There are clipping problems, texture misgivings, framerate drops, stutters and camera obscurities. It’s shoddy, but not surprising. After all this is a movie tie-in. The only positive are the character models in cut scenes. They look like their real life counterparts as well as sound like them. The voiceovers are delivered with some enthusiasm, but do not compare to their film performances.

Gameplay comes down to hover / fly to a target. Dodge any incoming missiles from SAM / Helicopters or Jets. Shoot a target with your primary weapon, or rockets or beam. Kill a Boss. Repeat across every mission fulfilling the main objective, possibly the bonus objectives and if you’re a perfectionist, the timed objectives. Following that, you upgrade your weapons and suit and repeat. Missions are interspersed with cut scenes to break up the grind. Without them, you’d go insane from holding down fire, with auto-aim doing the rest. You can re-route power to thrusters, melee, weapons or life support. Most likely you’ll be using life-support to keep you protected against the constant onslaught of rockets. You can engage in close combat with tanks, helicopters and planes, or grab them, complete a simple quick time button press and destroy them in one hit. The game lets you have four lives otherwise a restart is in order. It gives you access to large ‘open levels’ which simply means flying around, spamming attack. The controls do their job, but control can seem clunky at times, especially when you’re trying to hover in one place.

Iron Man is bad. Nothing can be done to redeem the viewpoint. It’s monotonous, tedious and a bore. There are unlockable movies but you’ll ignore them, working your way through simply to get an easy 1000 achievement points (on the Xbox 360 version). That’s if you even buy the game. I doubt you will, as to do that requires some serious mind deprivation.

Score: 3/10

(Xbox360 Copy Reviewed. Iron Man is out on every other possible platform).

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